I achieved nothing and I'm happy for myself

For once, I feel satisfied. Tonight, I reflect back at my life and I think I actually did good. I don't know what I have exactly done tonight which is only to overslept (after another failure to jog in the evening for the 128th consecutive time) and to wake up at 3am, full of energy and thoughts. Usually, I would go thinking about some stupid things that I fumbled during the day and curse myself incessantly. But not tonight. Tonight, dopamine is overflowing and I feel extraordinarily fine,

I never did achieve anything thats substantial to be proud and instagrammed about. I graduated five years behind my peers in the simplest degree I can possible score, from a simple uni in a relaxed country with beautiful people. I failed all my relationships, still single and desperate as I move towards my fourth decade. My health is deteriorating, demonstrated by my liver, heart and lungs cursing to me innately in beautiful coughs every two minutes. My career has gone sideways and I most probably won't get hired by anyone save for those that pity me and have room to waste money. Mostly I am just making enough to spend it all in one day and spent the rest of the month regretting not having savings, the only saviour being me asking the credit card company to make requests for payment only via female telemarketers or whatever they call them these days.

man made mushroom soup 

Yet, the human endurance for self gloating sometimes goes beyond logic and reason. Tonight, after finishing the last sachet of mushroom soup in my rented apartment, I feel gloriously redeemed. From what, I don't actually know. But there's this feeling that I did good. That I would have done everything the same had I the chance to repeat my life with the same circumstances. My ego grows tonight beyond my physical body and it envelopes the night with the confidence of having achieved nothing. Like faith, my willingness to accept myself as I am at this moment, does not make sense at all and it never will. Its beyond human's limited understanding.

Beyond Understanding 

No, I will not fight to justify that I did good and that achievements are all just for this world yet the hereafter is the one I really seek, like most religious turncoats would say to comfort themselves. I am a mediocre human being and I am great at that. I have defied almost all social conventions and I will try to defy less in the coming years as I become less failure oriented, never being absolved from my own selfish world of non achievement.  

So, I am going to let loose and let it all rip out. I am going to do something that will mean to nothing and brag about it soon to unsuspecting strangers trying to do small talk to beat the awkward silence. I will not be on national television for a while but I will be watching it to scan if there are any competitors out there who is out to get me and push me away from this precarious, unenviable position that no one wants.

So be careful, world. Be careful. You have no idea who you are dealing with. You can kill me but you will never ever find any achievements in me. So suck that! Yeah! 

*sleep*