That sinking feeling

Some years ago, while I was eating nasi padang at an Indonesian restaurant (I forget where that was exactly now) , I saw parts of the movie"Tenggelamnya Kapal van der Wijck" which was being shown on the television there. It seemed like an interesting cool movie which I vowed to see again one day.

Well, I got to see it last week and I was quite pleased that the movie turned out better than what I had expected. At some points in the movie, dust were blowing into my eyes. And I have sensitive eyes.

It was a good storyline. The story was adapted, written originally by Hamka, a philosopher who I learned later who has an interesting view points in life. The cinematographic of the movie is fantastic and I also enjoyed learning several interesting aspects of tribes in Indonesia, many of which are already in Malaysia.

Well, it was about love and heartache most of the time. Something I am quite familiar too. The peculiar thing is that, just like Titanic, another heart-tugger, this movie includes a sinking ship.

I think it's about that sinking feeling when you are hurt inside.

You know that sinking feeling. The feeling like your heart is so heavy that it pulls you down. The force is so strong that it makes you too weak to really do anything. The chest feels heavy as if a tonne of rock has just lodged itself inside you and tied to strings that pull your heart down down down. You can't eat you can't move and you are just zombified to the extent that any other thing that is happening in front of you is only a blurred background.

This heart, this heart. It beats but it is heavy. It is reluctant to be the heart it once was. Every beat sounds like a giant clang. It pumps blood and beats and does its duty, but it is dead.

You talk to people and you pull a weak smile, enough to not let them notice that you are dead from the inside. You don't want to appear weak yet you want people to understand yet you can't tell because it's so stupid. It's so stupid because you can't manage your emotions that you can't be rational and let this slide like any other catastrophic event in your life.

And time. Time stands still. It doesn't really move the way it used to when you are hurting. The days hurt and the nights bleed. Hours, minutes, seconds, they are all the same. Then, just as you thought it couldn't get worse than this, guilt arrives. You are responsible for your actions and every single thing that you have chosen before have ultimately resulted in this and every other misfortune. How stupid can you be and how can you waste life recklessly.