It's a crazy life but that is what makes it beautiful (or not)

A lot of things had happened since I last posted a blog here (before the previous blog). Many things, almost a lifetime away. I am now 40, which is a very big difference to when I was 39. Things happened, things changed. People happened, people changed. Yeah, it was almost a lifetime away. Maybe two.

Now I am at this conjecture where I have somehow inextricably reset my life back to square one. I had high hopes to have a good start to 2017. I desired a change to be normal and adapt and fix myself back to society. To choose life,  to have a seven seater and planned holidays and happy colourful social media channels. Yeah, to be part of society and fit in. All I want is that. Because life is too short to be unique and different all the time. Nobody really has the privilege of being their real true self all the time anyway. And after years and years of fighting the conventional, it is possibly time to join rather to pursue an unwinnable fight.

But No! Life has its own timing of fisting up on you right when everything was going your way. Just because you want something, and you work really hard to get it, doesn't mean you will get it. There are just no damn guarantees. Life doesn't work that way. One minute you are at the top of the world, and the next, at the pits of hell.




I have disappointed many people, alienated myself from friends and family members. I don't want the weight of my existence to burden anyone anymore. The world don't owe anyone anything and I want to be like the world. Not owing anyone. Except the banks.

I have tried and still trying to make ends meet but they don't. Maybe that's why they are called the ends anyway. Why do we need to make them meet? Like they are destined to meet each other and live happily ever after?

Not knowing what's going to happen tomorrow and not having any real meaning to life is perplexing and makes existence dull and somewhat torturous. For a man, to be without a job, without a dedication towards something that contributes to society in itself is demeaning to one's ego and pride. And what is life, if one has no pride of oneself.

Life gets to you. It really gets to you. It sheds every piece of faith you have in yourself and it drowns you with so many false and fake messages. I am tired. Tired of everything. I am not depressed nor suicidal nor do I feel anything negative about me. I am just numb.

Maybe one day I will look back at this sentimental piece and laugh at it. Maybe I will look at this and realise how foolish I was to give up on everything. But until that day comes, I will just hang on and live minute by minute, one disappointment after another.

I am not depressed or even that sad actually. I just don't have anything happy to write about. Maybe because I am not grateful? Maybe because I am not seeing the good things that I actually have? Maybe I am not positive? Who knows? If I don't who does?

I have stopped analysing because I will never know for sure what results in what. Did my choices that lead me here or is it God's will or is it Karma or is it all just merely a coincidence? I am getting to be really really uneasy and I hope things can be better. Believe me, I have tried being positive and looking at things on the bright side. It doesn't work that way. It doesn't work in any ways.