What is so wrong about me

This has been embedded within me for so long and it has been eating me up inside with so much pain, hurt and inner torment for so long that I can't contain it any longer but to just write it down here in the hopes that it can possibly reduce if not much, at least microcosm pieces of it away. I believe that things kept inside the head or heart for long periods of time might only be imaginary and that writing or talking about it will help as I try to structure the thoughts into writing or speech.

See, I was divorced 8 years ago. And between then and now I have very limited chance to see my kids. Now, I am not angry with my ex wife for not letting me see them as often as I want to, she has done a wonderful job of raising them as a single mother. She did. She still hasn't talked to me and that is completely fine except for the fact I can't really discuss things about our kids. I won't hide the fact that I for some time did not pay the stipulated nafkah but I have been in and out of jobs and when I wanted to do that at one point after some time but then the reason I stopped the alimony payment was because I was not allowed to see them by her and I thought I should stop for a while in a tit for tat reaction. Yeah that was wrong and when I wanted to change and make it good again, I still wasn't allowed to see them as much as every divorced parent should see their child, which is at least once a week. And I don't even ask for that frequency of meetings. Once a fortnight should be good enough but I didn't even get that. Last year, I met them 8 times. This year, I met them once. For 2 hours.

And honestly, I am not angry with her because 1) I get her and 2) I really don't want to disrupt things with her because after all, she is raising our kids. Malicious mother syndrome is quite common and it is fairly obvious by now. So yeah, I can deal with that in mind. I wrote several letters of wanting to make amend to just communicate and and talk but it didn't work at all. There were no replies. I can understand that. Actually I don't but I can tolerate that. I have moved on and well maybe talk to my son and daughter

But, what about people who are close to me who can clearly see that I am hurt, tortured and heavily distraught by that fact? And by that fact I mean not getting to see my son and daughter.

Why can't they talk and mediate? Why can't family talk to her or her parents to try settle amicably and let things be better? What is so wrong with me that I am not accorded what I think is a basic right in Islam or hadhanah?

Why won't anyone help me out that bit? Am I so perpetually evil, immoral and fiendish that I don't deserve that parental right? What is so wrong about me that no one, even when pleaded by me to do so, won't help at all? How many people have I actually killed? How much money have I stolen that no one would even take a step or even raise an inkling of energy to message her so I can see my kids for some time and talk and enquire on their well being and make dad jokes and then continue my life as per normal, without them, just like any other divorced parent out there?

What is so wrong about me?