Mental Health : How Does Depression Feels Like?


World Health Organization: "Depression:  leading cause of illness worldwide and is a major contributor to the global burden of disease" 


In Malaysia, 29% of Malaysians suffers from depression and anxiety (2017 National Health and Mortality rates Survey). Do this mean that 1 of 3 Malaysians have depression and anxiety disorders? So each time I meet with 2 of my friends, either one of us has it? Remember that urban myth that said if you take a picture of 3 persons together, the one in the middle will die? Okay, sorry to digress. Thought I was almost about to arrive at some great numerical finding. 



I don't think I have ever really been depressed or undergo depression seriously. I was, suicidal for some point but that's not from being sad at all. I was fleetingly suicidal, and that came from being magnanimously lazy to do anything about everything and being so tired to continue, not about running away from the pain. It's perfectly logical to make a decision to die anyway because, if happiness meant to be not having experience any pain or sadness and living meant we have to go through that, then it's clearly a no brainer to not live at all. In some cultures, suicide is even an honourable thing to do. 

But of course, I have been sad. I mean, there's nothing wrong with being sad. It's an important team member of human emotions. If something happens to make you feel sad, you become sad. There is nothing wrong with that. Except for the fact that some people go through life expecting to be happy 100% of the time. Maybe that is because of the promise of eternal future happiness in the Garden of Eden, Heaven, Valhalla, Jannah or Vaikuntha.




Brain Is Trained To Not Be Too Happy With The Present
Almost everyone has the optimism bias, which is the tendency to think that our future will be better than our present. Because we are not satisfied with the present, what keeps us motivated to live is dreaming of the beautiful future ahead, and that is how our brain is thought to think, from an evolutionary psychology point of view. For most times and for many people,  the brain is quite accustomed to not be too happy at present, or else we wouldn't be too motivated to live for the future.

Especially in cultures in Malaysia, it's almost a sin to be happy. 

Having convoluted the idea of good and evil in its local politics, Malaysians modern living brings abject nihilist tendencies when rationalising the world we live in. Neel Burton in his book The Meaning of Madness wrote depressive realism is “the healthy suspicion that modern life has no meaning and society is absurd and alienating". I think so many of us feel that way. 




Pause: Take note of what and how exactly you are feeling right now.

Well, since the title of this blog says how depression feels like, here are some descriptions given by those who had gone through depression to give a feeling of what it feels like. Now, it's important for some who have not experienced depression to get a distanced glimpse of what it's like to depressed and be grateful to not be affected by it, as described below:

  • For me, it’s often trying to question everything to find some meaning and finding nothing. I start trying to figure out why I’m here, and what’s the point of even trying anymore when our existence is limited? Everything becomes empty and even believing in yourself feel pointless.

  • It’s like dragging round a massive stone, holding you back and weighing you down. Like when you’re at the gym and you just can’t see how you can push forward with even one more rep, and everyone else around you is doing fine.

  • Being surrounded by people that love you and say they want to help, yet feeling terrifyingly alone and lost.

  • Nothing is ever going to be right, because I am always wrong, whatever I do, or think, or am.

  • The constant fear of destroying everyone and everything I love for my selfish choices and inability to face the world.

  • Everything is an effort. From something as big as going out and facing people to something as small as just moving. When I’m at that point, I don’t want to live but I don’t have the energy to do anything about it.

  • Absolute exhaustion. Every movement needs to be carefully considered and relayed to your body and yet even the act of thinking is exhausting. It feels like wading through treacle with no end in sight, just as endless ocean of thick treacle with no visible landmarks and no place to stop and rest.

  • Feeling hollow but heavy and dead on the inside, unable to remember what it feels like to feel the warmth of an emotional connection with another person.

  • JK Rowling has it right. The dementors are such a great image, its like a creature sucking out the best and happy memories whilst telling you you’re rubbish and making you relive the bad. It then uses the bad as an attack against your self esteem to make you believe you don’t deserve better. Eventually you just become numb and disconnected.

  • Imagine your life is a computer game that you can’t ever switch off. There are game modes: beginner, intermediate, and expert. It’s a game that you’ve never heard of, and you didn’t even want to play it, but you’re forced to play the expert mode – and you don’t have any instructions. Others around you are playing on beginner’s mode, and they’re finding it really fun – there are challenges on all modes, but it seems it’s easy for others to complete them. They’re smiling and laughing and having a great time. They say “but it’s easy, you just have to …” but for some reason, even if you put in the same amount of effort as everyone else, you can’t do it. Very quickly you lose motivation because you don’t want to play this game any more. But you’re not allowed to quit playing.

  • It’s like a grey veil. It separates you from the outside world and limits your perspective. Depression causes you to not feel “present” and affects the way you see and experience things. It saps the colour and vibrance from life, and even from yourself.

  • A void that sucks in all your thoughts of being capable, worthwhile, and loveable and replaces them with a crushing fear of failure. A fear of being found out to be a failure and everyone turning their backs on you because you’re a failure.

  • You are looking for that light at the end of the tunnel that people assure you is there but you can see nothing but blackness; so you turn round to see the light from where you came, only to find there is nothing but blackness again. And then you realise you are stuck because there is no light to help you find your way.

  • It is like someone came along and stole all the pleasure in my life. The things I used to enjoy become empty and meaningless and it is a struggle just to exist. Every ounce of strength goes on just getting to the end of the day and I feel like a battery the never gets enough time to fully recharge before I am using the energy again.

  • Like Gollum sitting at the mouth of a cave staring at a beautiful day and ‘knowing’ that you can never be part of that because everything in your head tells you that you belong in that cave and you’re too ugly and upsetting to be in the sun.

  • What does it feel like? Like being in a cloudy day that lasts for weeks on end. No blue sky, no sun, no, wind and, despite it sounding counter intuitive, no rain either. Just an empty nothing sort of feeling and tone to everything. Inside it can also feel like being an ice lolly that has had it’s essence sucked dry so that all that is left is colourless lump of ice devoid and empty of colour. At my worst it also hurts, physically. I become very tired and can barely move. Everything becomes a task in of itself, the main one being trying to switch my mind off, to cease that criticising voice that aims to beat you down for your ‘weakness’ and general uselessness after having to take to bed again because of it.

  • An absolute evil nightmare of a living hell which I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy which has completely wrecked my life and already stolen my future.

  • Living with depression is like existing on another plane of reality parallel to the one of those around you. On this plane time moves more slowly, things are heavier and everything is a little bit grey. I find this particularly painful when it comes to those I love because I can never quite seem to connect with them from where I am even though I can see them right there.

  • I didn’t realise how hard this would be to describe, I’ve been trying for the last hour and been getting nowhere with it. The best I can describe it is that I’m drowning in honey so everything’s slowed down and even if I wanted to I couldn’t move faster. Inside it makes me feel numb but at the same time incredible amounts of pain that never leaves you even if you’re doing something you once enjoyed. All the colours around you that once were really bright and pretty now all look a sort of dull grey colour. And no matter what people try to do to help you, you get stuck and can’t see any way out. The voices in the back of your head, wether they’re loud thoughts or even auditory hallucinations, all tell you that you don’t deserve the help you’re being (or not being) given and that no one wants you around. Depression is so much more than just sadness and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy xx

  • Dark fog in your head, something is pushing me down, everything just feels too much like an effort, exhausted, like an empty baloon, tiny smallest change it can make you blow up, angry, tearful, forgetfull. Keep smiling, but inside you feel you are crumbling, sadness and numbness are overtaking everything, everything is too much….. you just want to hide away from everyone, but dont want to feel alone. You cry out for help, but no-one knows how to help you except the people who had depression themselves. Depression is not only sadness, it is so much more



  •  it’s like being at the bottom of a well where you look up the speck of light is so far away, like a dot and it does not reach you down here . All around you is dark and the ground is damp and you try to move/call out but get hit by unseen force to the point you don’t dare move or make a sound anymore . You just sit there at the bottom of the well unable to move or speak yet screaming inside for someone to just help you. It really is like a hell. So lonely.
Pause: Take note of what and how exactly you are feeling right now.

Note: If any of the descriptions above resonates with you, high chance you are undergoing depression. To find help, check out

Where to get help for depression and other mental health issues in Malaysia (фото 1)

Real quotes on describing depression are taken from here https://www.blurtitout.org/2016/07/08/describing-depression-whove-never/

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